wakey wakey hands off snakey
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
