I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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