Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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