does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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