Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
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screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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