I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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