No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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