Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
