If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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