I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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