it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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