I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Randomize
