Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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