When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher