Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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