Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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