you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
