I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
