Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize