So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
