I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
