SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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