I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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