This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Im part way to drunk.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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