Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
