He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
