We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
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