Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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