I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It's just like the Real World with babies
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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