Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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