They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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