it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
