someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
