i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
They are going to name an STD after you.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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