dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
