If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
