There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
It's rum buckets o'clock
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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