I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
