i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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