this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
