Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
