meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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