2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
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