Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
