why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
