I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
