I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
