So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
