Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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