The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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