I love black thongs
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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