I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
