dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
